Scattered, fearful, even a little crazy
Katherine Willow’s monthly natural health diary
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It’s late fall and the second round of cleansing is coming to an end for the season. I still haven’t done much myself and am paying for it with a slight edge of irritation that I seem to be sharing with the rest of my household.
No matter, it will pass with a few lighter meals. . .
Felix never did get his cold and I didn’t come down with that awful cough that’s been hitting me at the changes of season. My hot flashes have disappeared without much effort and my stress about the greenhouse project just evaporated one evening when I was focussing on some spiritual work — even though the situation is the same. Something seems to be moving me through challenges more easily than ever. I’m grateful.
Therapy with Deb Boldt continues to deepen and provide me with more calm and ability to ride out my periods of anxiety—or not even enter into them. It amazes me. I don’t know this side of myself that can handle people around me all the time and still feel ok. I am circling a core of pain which causes me to retract like touching a hot iron — the anguish around my daughters and original family. I remain optimistic and am learning new ways to think about all of that. It needs to be slow so I can keep my balance given the responsibilities that I have chosen.
Fall is a time when the mind tends to be more scattered, fearful and even a little crazy. I look over the past two months and realize that I have been distracting from much of my inner work by focussing on outer stresses and excusing my preoccupation by making those events and issues overly important or even crises which only I could manage. Hah! As the weather settles into stable cold, it will be easier — and probably more unpleasant — to access the material I need to breathe into and through. . . This is me reminding myself.
My relationships mirror my avoidance, with a subtle distance creeping in, a slight dislike of being too close or emotionally intimate. This doesn’t help me bridge with Stephen and I’m lucky he is so patient and understanding with me, lucky he is busy with his work, lucky he lives six hours away. This doesn’t fly with Felix though, who has been acting out to get my attention. I notice that I wanted to blame some kind of food allergy and wonder how often this happens in families. When I am with him open-heartedly, he changes immediately! Again, me reminding myself about the things that I tend to ignore or push away.
May you be patient and gentle with your own process of healing in this transition to winter.
warm regards, katherine
