It’s a quiet sunny afternoon and I’m at my usual writing place in the clinic kitchen, overlooking the front entrance where Stephen’s colourful glass art pokes out of the snowy garden.
I’m sleepy and would like nothing better than to crawl into bed. It’s been five days of late nights trying to decide how to move forward with the centre. Plans come and go and it’s a little difficult to stay centred in all the uncertainty. Even so, the overall feeling is positive.
My focus these days is to catch up on the most recent German New Medicine webinars with brilliant teacher and practitioner Ilsedora Laker. They remind me of how profound these discoveries are and how much difference they could make to our health care system. In 2017 I plan to finish the book I started years ago detailing my experiences with GNM, saving OHIP millions of dollars along the way. After that it will be in the hands of people who can move it forward—medical doctors and policy makers!
My next professional focus will be on creating educational programs integrating healing, nature and spirituality to be hosted on this splendid piece of the Carp Ridge. Our CEO Sandy Mark has invited several wonderful people to help with this endeavour and plans are being made and unmade until they gel.
On a personal level, I continue learning to improve family dynamics. An experienced social worker at Felix’s school is mentoring me in changing the way I care for Felix, my 8 year old grandson, even though I though I was doing fairly well! His approach is the perfect antidote to how our family has been stuck for generations and is releasing me from constant irritation, frustration and exhaustion (different from cozy sleepiness, smile), more than I was admitting to myself.
I have to admit that this feels somewhat miraculous. After struggling to crack these angry patterns for decades, it is amazing to see them start to melt away. The best part is how Felix is responding: from being difficult and bossy, not listening and subtly withdrawing over time he is re-emerging into a magical child, full of desire to help, open emotionally and better able to deal with instruction. I look forward to his company and am energized by it.
A synopsis of the approach is in the book, Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. Maybe we will run related programs in the future.
This, together with my therapy sessions to help me stay in my body instead of constantly dissociating, are resulting in a different way of experiencing myself and life. It’s safer, more pleasant, people are less threatening, I feel more “real”. Altogether a good Christmas present!
On the topic of Christmas, this is a time of year that I struggle with mightily, usually becoming stressed and somewhat depressed. This is the first year I can remember feeling relaxed and unhurried—at least so far. I pared my preparations down to an absolute minimum, with options to do more or less depending on my energy and life situations. I feel freed up to enjoy the season, spread my goodwill around and take some time for myself to rest and recharge…
What is still in the wings is grieving my sister. My lead shield is clamped down so tightly on those emotions that I can barely think about her. It feels like a betrayal of her memory. At the same time I know that this will unfold when I am ready. I plan to spend some time with her on the anniversary of her passing next week, lighting a candle, putting on a piece of our favourite music and telling her how much I love and miss her. In the New Year I will book another session with a medium to talk to her and find out how she is doing on the other side. It helps to write this, thank you for listening.
Time to pick Felix up from the school bus, connect with Sara about plans for her preschool program, make dinner and take Felix to indoor soccer. Then a story at bedtime, heartbread (sharing good and challenging things in the day), clean up the kitchen—and then I’ll get to sleep!
Hoping your holidays are a balance of people you care about and time for yourself.