It’s lunch time and my mouth is full of buckwheat toast with peanut butter and honey. Ellie has given me a deadline so I need to use every minute
The morning has been peaceful, listening to a German New Medicine webinar while making ketchup from our huge harvest of tomatoes from the garden. It’s delicious, so now I’m going to freeze the rest of the tomatoes and cook them down over the woodstove as an experiment in using less electricity. I’ll keep you posted, smile…
In between listening and stirring, Tash came in to discuss growing garlic, saving me from another probable failure by suggesting we start with a small plot of 100 plants instead of the 1000 that I had originally planned. This tendency to start large expensive projects drives my staff crazy and is something I am committed to stopping.
In fact, I am recently aware of how much I distract from my main work, justifying countless derailments in one way or another. I suspect that I am afraid of success and have been unconsciously sabotaging myself for decades. Time to focus.
The universe has kindly provided help in the form of a community developer called Sandy Mark, a woman with vast experience, impressive successes and a deep understanding of the vision for the centre. She has taken all the administrative duties off my shoulders so that I can write and develop courses for a holistic college. As CEO of Carp Ridge EcoWellness Centre, Sandy is moving forward so quickly it is making my head spin—with relief. I understand now that I could never have achieved my goals without this woman and am totally in awe and grateful.
This new order has been spilling into my personal life. My home is becoming organized and beautiful for the first time ever (thanks to Sabine for the latter). I am developing a team to help with family healing in a clear way instead of the constant emotional reactivity I’ve been living in (thanks to therapist Josea, naturopathic doctor Marcin, German New Medicine mentor Ilsedora, coach Lisa and the Carp medical clinic). Our bookkeeper Gisele is helping me establish a better budget and investment strategy. Tash is taking over my kitchen to intercept my food hoarding tendencies.
When I look at all the support it’s taking to untangle the dysfunctional mess of my 59 year old life, it feeds my motivation to give back to the community. This time, instead of jumping into another mediocre project to save the world and justify my existence, I will be patient and build a strong foundation. It will take a good two years to develop a holistic college that is well-researched, user-friendly and world class.
This is a spiritual discipline for me. It will take faith for me to see the suffering in the world, my suffering projected out, and not compulsively start something new. This ADD tendency is an avoidance of my emotional pain, an inability to sit still and face it. Which is mirrored in the sloppiness of my meditation practice over the last few years…time to renew it. Reading the Upanishads, one of the main scriptures from India, is supporting me in this, as is sharing this wisdom with the meditation group on Thursday mornings.
A few weeks ago, I had a vivid dream of someone famous telling me how important my work was and how much it was helping humanity. Just as vividly I felt my jaw drop and not know what to say, shrinking in embarrassment. This success is what I’m afraid of and for what I need to prepare—whether it happens or not. Either way, it will let me do my best…and finally focus.
So. I will only be offering weekly meditations and a monthly healing group from now on. My last herb class, my most recent side-track, is on Friday morning, and then I will be free to focus on writing. Thanks to Ellie for suggesting the pond cabin for a private writing nook, that’s where you’ll find me on most days. Other than that, it’s family, friends and personal recreation…what a concept…my innards are already feeling squirrelly…
Maybe see you at the Carp Fair!