Katherine’s monthly diary: Christmas, grief, depression. . . and love
It’s a busy Thursday afternoon in the clinic. Thank goodness the “holidays” are over.
I tried to provide a nice Christmas for family and friends, but without leaving dedicated downtime for myself. Planning started too late and for too much and I became exhausted and frighteningly depressed, which I tried to hide.
Then there was a conversation with Stephen, who was doing exactly the same thing, but sounded cheerful! In fact, he said that all the activity was relaxing. I was stunned and it made me take a deeper look at what I was doing wrong.
This is what I found: intense grief about our broken family and me trying to avoid, cover up and fix — anything but feel. I discovered searing pain that cost me huge energy to suppress. Once it was allowed up, expressed to close people and held with compassion, the mind cleared and it became obvious how to have wonderful Christmases in the future. I’ll let you know next January if it works, smile.
Where does the love fit in? It was there underneath the pain all this time, in so many terrible holidays all these years, motivating me to keep trying. . .
In my personal health journey, there has been a minor crisis. Our new chiropractor Carole assessed my now chronic sore hip and tied it into my whole life history — habits, emotions, past traumas, other symptoms. So what I thought was an easy fix just needing the right adjustment is actually an accumulation of long-term damage and NOT easily fixable.
It has gotten worse and I’m mourning my flexible body. I’m not even allowed to do my usual exercise routine! Again, opportunity for growth: I will investigate more energetically-based movements like tai chi and chi gong, which I’ve been meaning to do for years. This will fit well with my meditative direction. I’ll keep you posted.
My body is reflecting my mind. It’s telling me to stop denying deep pain and slow down for some real healing. Instead, I’m developing too many new things for the clinic in a season meant for resting and introspection. Not again— next year this will be done in November followed by a relaxing Christmas, including inner work, and a January that is not too busy. Live and learn. . .
Postscript: It’s now a rainy (!) Sunday morning after a day of having the flu. I thought I’d be in bed for at least 3 days from the way I was feeling yesterday, but to my surprise, I woke at 5am after a day of fasting, remedies and rest feeling no pain — even my hip doesn’t hurt! There’s a good example of the flu as a healing process.
May you be having a gentle January and I look forward to seeing you at some of our events over the next two months where we can help each other find and maintain our balance!
~ katherine
(Last image: Teresa Dunwell, Sacred Dance
http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/teresa-dunwell.html)
