Katherine’s monthly diary: Settling into the process

It’s April and there’s icy snow outside.  I’m sitting at Alice’s Cafe in Carp, sipping green tea and listening to very good background music.

The past month has been intense, but much calmer on the inside after processing my last terror episode.  My mind is sleepy though and probably will be for a while as I transition from overworking and being revved for most of my 55 years to allowing myself time to rest and recharge.  In the past, slow time brought up feelings of acute anxiety and horrible visions, so being able to even start relaxing is a minor miracle.

As part of this process I’ve decided not to build any more homes at the centre, to gradually withdraw from being active in the charity, to put the healing house initiative on hold and to refrain from starting new projects—my biggest and final addiction.  It’s in direct opposition to the rest of my workaholic life and feels very strange but right, with a letting go of wanting to be so important.  My focus is now solidly on my own healing (which I’ve done my best to avoid until recently), helping to raise grandson Felix and improving services at the clinic — with a small side of community service, smile.

In synch with this new direction, Felix had an interesting episode a few weeks ago.  His mom Coral called me around midnight on a Saturday, saying he had an earache.  I could hear him shrieking in the background.  Julie had taken the car so I couldn’t run to the rescue.  I passed on some tips and reassured her that this would pass and didn’t require drugs.  The next morning they called at 6am with Felix’s voice bright and cheerful.  It had been a healing crisis, different from a congestive earache in its quick onset and conclusion.

When he came home that evening I could see in his face that he had matured overnight.  Two days later his kindergarten teacher mentioned how much better he was with the other kids, seemingly out of the blue.  An ear infection, if it’s emotional, is the resolution of something shocking you heard, maybe someone yelling if you are a child.  When that is resolved, you are less likely to yell at others.  Drugs would have suppressed the deeper healing in this case.

On another front, the healing relationship Stephen and I have had over 4 1/2 years came to a thoughtful and caring end last weekend.   He has done much to help me see my delusions of grandeur and face my fear of emotional intimacy (isn’t this usually the guys?!), leaving me with clear internal work ahead to continue becoming aware of and releasing old fears through my meditation practice combined with therapy. 

Then, on the day that Stephen left, a close friend was unexpectedly dropped off at my home after a serious heart episode, being told he couldn’t be alone.  Nothing like a new house-mate to distract from the grief of a separation!  After a couple of days of transition (and much refuge in my breathing), we have come to a harmonious flow.

It has been a true joy to watch this man make major shifts in thinking and lifestyle and go from feeling at death’s door to having a future again.  Seeing this makes me  look forward to coming back to working on the healing house program.  But not yet. . .

More change: healer-nanny Julie and children are leaving for Germany for an unknown time period next week and Sandy Rawson, who used to be one of our healing house hosts, has come to help in Julie’s absence.

Even with all of this turbulence, life feels calmer than I’ve ever felt it.  This comes with an underlying fatigue, a sort of let-down from constant adrenaline.  Looks like a lot of early bedtimes in the near future and detox episodes that typically come with healing.  I’m deeply grateful to understand this process.

That’s enough for now.  I’m going to get an x-ray for my continuing back pain that gets better and worse, but hasn’t gone completely away, most likely a hanging healing as part of my overall transition.  You may find it strange that I would get an x-ray, but I like information from many sources for both myself and my patients.  It’s a nice integration of different levels of health and awareness.  And there are many remedies to protect against radiation (just google ‘natural radiation protection’).

here’s to patience on our path and the possibility of warm weather ahead. . .

katherine