Uncommon Joy—Real or Delusional?
It’s a brilliant sunny day with spring snow glistening off the trees. Despite the cold, I am filled with optimism for the future.
The core of this good feeling is partly the seasonal increase in light and warmth and partly the healing events that I attend in our meditation room several times a week. Slowly but surely I can feel my chronic physical and emotional knots dissolving during Kundalini yoga classes, practicing with the CarpReikicommunity, learning about Light Body and sitting with our lovely meditation group. Soon we will be adding garden work parties to the list of activities that nurture my soul and hopefully many others!
Letting go of old pain is turbulent, disrupting sleep and resulting in energy swings that are downright inconvenient. I keep my schedule and activities pretty calm in order to have time to rebalance after sleepless nights (new for me), but the underlying sense of growing stronger makes it worth it. Even when I am exhausted there is what I can only describe as a subtle happiness that is new, not something I’m used to on a regular basis. My mind is gradually gaining more clarity and I look forward to making better decisions after a lifetime of ones that are questionable!
An interesting reflection of these changes is happening in 7 year old grandson Felix, who lives with me again. When I returned from six weeks in New York nursing my sister until her death on December 20, Felix was addicted to video games and wanted to “game” at every opportunity, a common stress response in youth (and adults). As I shifted out of my own distress and things calmed down around him, Felix stopped wanting to game—at all. He now plays lego, designing healing gadgets and vehicles that run on energy crystals. He has markedly decreased his rages when disciplined and offers to help more. I am astounded, blessed and grateful for this love that can flow through a family, bringing recovery even when things seem impossibly difficult.
–Grieving my younger sister is a different matter. After speaking with a German cousin about our family a few weeks ago, my feelings suddenly shut down as if under a lead shield. Even doing my memorial ice skating solo didn’t elicit much response inside. When I’m asked anything to do with Lili’s estate, my energy crashes and my mind refuses to participate. I know that grief can present in different ways and that I’m protecting myself, but it’s still unsettling. It makes me wonder about the authenticity of this happiness…when I look more deeply at myself, I realize that I’m a bit of a zombie these days, running on automatic pilot and barely managing my life. What a different perspective from when I started writing this post!! Am I dissociated or delusional? Would Felix be this much better if my happiness weren’t real? Wouldn’t he reflect back a conflicted state?
I sit and pause to think…
And come to the conclusion that this confusion is part and parcel of transforming into unfamiliar places combined with the often surreal nature of grief. What is required here is patience, rest, talking and more patience, exactly what I’ve often heard myself tell patients over the decades.
So I thank you for listening, it has helped me once again to write.
Wishing you close friends on your own healing journey and maybe see you at one of our nourishing events.
katherine