It’s a dull, rainy day after Thanksgiving and I am sitting at my kitchen writing spot in remarkably good spirits after a challenging weekend.
On Saturday morning Felix went to his mom’s for the weekly overnight. Delighted to have time alone, I settled in to write the monthly Tone article, letting my mind wander over things I could explore. The phrase “awareness allows change” floated up, and I started writing about change. I found myself describing how we tend to push ourselves to change because of outside pressure instead of understanding our real needs and realistically addressing them. The words deeply resonated with me.
Suddenly, my right foot began to hurt. Within an hour I was no longer able to walk and crawled to bed, curious about what on earth was going on. After another hour the throbbing was so intense I couldn’t let the foot touch the sheets. I hung it over the side of the bed and let myself cry. It was as if the bones were broken; the pain was worse than when I had fractured my leg in a skiing accident or during my labours.
Seven year old grandson Felix visited and gave me a reiki treatment, which felt lovely. Afterwards I was able to sleep and woke up in the morning pain free, still not sure exactly what I had come through, but thinking it was a healing crisis related to the gentleness that was flowing through the article.
My German New Medicine mentor Ilsedora Laker counselled that this amount of pain usually relates to the skin on the bones, the periosteum, and that the issue is a brutal separation. I thought that it was separation from myself, but she clarified that it was someone else from whom I wanted to separate–to the point of kicking them. It begs the point that I need to be more aware of what I am thinking so I can make these kinds of connections. Ilsedora said that what happened at the exact moment of the onset of the pain is when I was triggered into wanting to violently push someone away. There were a few phone calls while writing…but I don’t remember my emotional responses to them…I tend to shut down difficult feelings, still!!
On Thanksgiving day, family dynamics plunged me into excruciating emotional pain, hanging by a thread on the edge of a big black hole. I’m thinking that I’m not entirely alone in this type of feeling on family holidays, smile. I powered through and then dove into a distracting novel to soothe frazzled nerves, while my conscience nagged me to stop and THINK. When I finally managed to wean myself away from my book into my journal, the writing led me into seeing family as spiritual practice and being grateful for such a strong motivation to grow.
A few days later. The roller coaster ride has continued, with me feeling like I’m in a blender, coming up for air every once in a while to realize that all is actually well. It’s fall turbulence aggravating me. An Ayurvedic teacher once told me: “in fall and spring people go crazy”. Yes, that’s what it feels like. And it will pass.
Here’s hoping you are riding out the seasonal bumps with grace!