It’s a grey, chilly Wednesday morning from the kitchen window at the clinic where Felix and I now live. Beams of sunlight break through the clouds to brighten the day. A squirrel runs across my view and up a tree, scrambling to get ready for the cold season. The parking lot is empty.
I’m deeply tired but satisfied. Most of the last two weeks has been spent in New York state helping my sister with medical visits and a big move and she is recovering splendidly from her brain surgery in August, looking well with a new emerging beauty. Her process is facilitating healing for the rest of us!
My daughter Coral and partner Ashley have settled into my former house and now Felix can visit back and forth between Nana and Mom and Ashley. Coral and I go for counselling for family healing and parenting transitions.
Felix is in grade one French immersion at the wonderful public school in Carp and chatters away with great enthusiasm in his new language. We have dictionaries everywhere to look up French words.
The clinic has been vacated and Lori (manager), Gisele (bookkeeper), Jeremy (maintenance/drumming) and I are cleaning up, preparing the infrastructure at the centre for what comes next.
Internally I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth. With little time for self right now and my emotional healing roaring away in my subconscious, I often feel disoriented and strange. By grace I’m able to continue my daily meditations/tapping/prayers, which take the edge off the anxiety that comes with old memories surfacing. Knowing there will be time alone ahead and glimpses of bliss nurture me through this demanding phase.
One lovely new activity that helps is that I’ve started figure skating again. Felix and I skate three times weekly with both lessons and free time. For me skating is like soaring and dancing all in one and feeds my soul profoundly. I used to be a skater as a child and my body is slowly remembering the spins, jumps and figures that I used to do. What a joy! My joints are still sore, but I refuse to let that stop me and am certain that this is part of my healing, not old age, grin…
My retreat in Quebec to learn more shamanic work with splendid teacher Ilka Marcenay was profound—and feels light years away. However, I’ve claimed the yurt at the centre for myself to practice “journeying”. It is insulated, has a stove and is in the woods. When time allows, I light a fire in the morning and then come back later when it’s warm to meditate, write, rest and enjoy nature. It reminds me of the forts I used to build as a child and makes me happy.
Finally, I made a decision about holidays. After another agonizing Thanksgiving, I decided to stop doing holidays after this Christmas. Until I’m emotionally well, I’m going to take that time to slow down instead of getting drained. Alternatively, I will do something else to connect with family and friends and give to charity. I’ll let you know how that goes!
in growing love,