It’s a mild winter Sunday afternoon seen through the kitchen window. Felix and I spent the morning sledding in deep powder snow—do you remember how wonderfully strenuous that is!? Now he’s with his mother and I get an afternoon to myself. My computer plays the soundtrack from the movie Amelia, music for my performance at the ice show this weekend. It gives me shivers of anticipation and great distraction from the intense stress in my life.
I just reread my last blog and laughed at the paragraph about having a “saviour complex”—my whole existence these days is around trying to save people or feeling despair when I can’t. The onslaught of personal tragedies around me is almost unbelievable: cancer, flesh-eating disease, a heart transplant with complications, debilitating pain and mini-strokes.
Needless to say, I lost my balance. Worse, I disintegrated into whining and feeling a victim, resentful that “my life” had been derailed. These thoughts weren’t conscious at first, too embarrassing to admit even to myself. It took unpleasant physical symptoms to show that I am holding deep anger and that I need to change the way I am thinking or become sick myself. Once I realized my negative state, I was able to begin digging out of my hole.
The more positive me is now taking better care of myself and feels cheerful. As I travel with my suffering family members and friends, I am developing a deeper acceptance of whatever life has to offer, including the horrors. From a larger perspective, I can see life moving through me, pushing me to grow beyond my attachment to this body and ego. As I reflect, I also see that my closed heart is cracking open, little by little, allowing me to feel closer to people. And myself. And Life!
So really, I’m being blessed and in these rare hours of quiet, I can see that I’ll be a better person for the honour of walking these paths with people I love. It’s not about saving, it’s about serving.
And despite the cold and snow, spring is around the corner.
ps It may be a while before I can tell you what will happen at the centre in the future, but ideas continue to brew…